R.I.P. Fizzgig (1995-2008)

February 13th, 2008

Email from my wife, Sister Moon, to our friends & family

I’m sorry to have to deliver this news on my husband’s birthday, a day that should be about celebrating. Fizzi passed away this morning. We last saw her at about 1 a.m. before we went to bed; the whole family had gathered in the kitchen for the new ritual of giving Fizzi her meds, which she absolutely did not enjoy. Brother Wolf (BW) found her this morning curled up in one of her favorite spots: on the green pillows beneath our tea table.

Fizzi had been sick for going on four weeks now. She had stopped eating and drinking and was becoming increasingly grouchy. We took her to the vet on Jan. 25, and he gave us antibiotics to treat what he believed was a stomach virus. We had done this with her before successfully. This time was different. She continued her hunger strike after a full week of taking meds. She would eat erratically, but never very much.

We took her to the vet a second time on Feb. 4th. They had to administer a brief whiff of anesthesia so they could run some tests. The conclusion was that Fizzi had a mild inflammation of the liver and a backup of bile in her bloodstream. They gave us three new drugs to try (one of which was an appetite stimulant) and gave her an electrolyte bubble to hydrate her. The Dr. said this was not a dire situation. We should try the drugs for 30 days, and if things did not improve, we should bring her in to contemplate a gall bladder operation.

So my dear husband and I would wrangle with her in the evenings, administering medicine via a plastic syringe. Because she was neither eating nor drinking, and the meds were apparently horrific tasting, Fizzi would foam at the mouth, spouting white froth everywhere. This was quite the adventure. But BW managed to find a ritual that worked for her, wrapping her in a towel like a burrito and crooning her into submission.

Yesterday morning, when I went downstairs for breakfast, I found her sitting by the back patio doors observing the birds outside—one of her favorite pastimes. I felt hopeful. I got her to drink two small saucers of milk and eat several small pieces of ham. She purred and seemed to be enjoying herself. I was very excited.

Last night, we gave her meds as usual. She did not like it, of course; but BW and I believed the medicine was beginning to work. This morning when I woke, I saw my birthday boy was extremely upset, and he delivered the terrible news of what he had discovered downstairs. Fizzi was gone.

I got Fizzgig from the pound when I first moved to Arizona in 1995. (Her name comes from a furry, obnoxious character in the movie “The Dark Crystal,” by the way.) I got her in November; she was nine weeks old and weighed only 1.9 pounds! I chose Fizz from all the other kitties because every time I walked by her cage, she would run to the front and meow at me. When they opened the cage for me, she jumped into my arms and climbed up to the top of my head! She was always quite a pistol that girl. She and I lived alone together, a bitchy little duo of women, for many years. Until my love came along, that is. ;) She didn’t like BW at first; she grew very, very attached to him indeed.

I know Fizzi was not the sweetest cat. To most of you, she was cranky, cantankerous and even a little “evil.” ;) But she was our baby, and we love her, and she was a very loving cat when she wanted to be. We’re very sad that she is no longer with us. And I just hope that wherever she may be, there are pouches of wet food in all of her favorite flavors and cushions of every color for her to lounge on.

Most of you have animals in your own family … when you get home tonight, give them an extra hug and kiss and tell them that you love them. My last words to Fizzi were “You are a mess, child.” Of course, I believed there would be plenty of time for “I love you, boo boo” later. But you just never know. So love your babies a whole lot while you can.

We sure do miss our “crotchety old hag,” our bathtub girl, our magazine hog. Our Fizzi.

An open letter to Arizona hillbillies

September 13th, 2007

This one goes out specifically to the bald-headed fucker in the queer-ass, champagne-colored, late-model Toyota Tacoma pickup who cut me off on the I-10/40th St freeway exit at approx 9:00am on September 13th, 2007. Yeah you, ya fucker! I’ll give you credit, at least you had the balls to stick you head out of the window and TRY to offer me an excuse before you told me to fuck off. Most of the whiny, in-bred, minivan drivers just hide behind their tinted windows and act they they didn’t do anything wrong and pretend that I’m not there calling them a cock sucker.

No, I have a hunch you didn’t like the fact that I called you a hillbilly, what with your bullshit straw cowboy hat so prominently displayed in the back window and what I SWEAR was a camo t-shirt on. Oh yea, lots of cattle to rustle and buck to hunt down here in Phoenix. Hoo-boy! I know exactly what you did because EVERY ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES IN A CAR does the same damn thing. 2 lanes available to a right turn and, if you remember from your drivers test YOU STAY IN THE ASSOCIATED LANE. Right-most lane and middle lane. NOT THE LANE TO THE LEFT BECAUSE YOU ARE SPEEDING AND HOPING TO MAKE THE LIGHT! That lane you so blithely drifted into was MINE and you did it because you were probably late for work and driving like a dumb-ass. My favorite part was the “I didn’t see you”, comment. YOU WERE BEHIND ME! How the fuck do you miss a 215lbs man with a long, dark pony tail in a black shirt on a dark bike in broad daylight? I’ll tell you how…

BECAUSE YOU’RE A SELF-ABSORBED, COCKSUCKER WHO CAN’T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR BEING A BORN FUCK-UP!

Fuck you, you fuckin’ bald fuck! And fuck all of you cage driving pieces of shit, blissfully ignorant of the wide world around you. The kid making the left turn at that same light this morning may have had the right attitute. The back of his helmet had a sticker stating the obvious, “Cars Suck”.

Arrgh, me ‘earties! It’s nsfw!

May 13th, 2007

This topic came up recently. It started innocently enough when someone plucked a CD from my monstrous rack of CD’s which contained the modern renditions of various pirate limericks and sea chantey’s. At the time, we were all preparing to go out for my wife’s brithday, so it wasn’t convenient to put the CD in and give it a whirl. Still, I hated the fact that I couldn’t share the vulgar lyrics of one of my favorites straight away.

My personal favorite, having been a dirty old sea dog in a former life, (not to mention one in my alternate life every year at Renaisssance Faire), goes by the title, “Good Ship Venus”. Transcribed below are the lyrics as sung in the version I have by Louden Wainwirght III on the CD Rogue’s Gallery.

‘Twas on the good ship Venus,
By Christ you should have seen us;
The figurehead
Was a whore in bed
Sucking a dead man’s penis.

The captain’s name was Lugger.
By Christ he was a bugger.
He wasn’t fit
To shovel shit
From one ship to another.

The second mate was Andy,
By Christ he had a dandy,
Till they crushed his cock
On a jagged rock
For coming in the brandy.

The third mate’s name was Morgan,
By god he was a gorgon,
From half past eight
he played till late,
Upon the captain’s organ.

The captain’s wife was Mabel,
And by God was she able
To give the crew
Their daily screw
Upon the galley table.

The captain’s daughter Charlotte,
Was born and bred a harlot,
Her thighs at night
were lily white,
By morning they were scarlet.

The cabin boy was Kipper,
By Christ he was a nipper.
He stuffed his ass
with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.

The captain’s lovely daughter
Liked swimming in the water.
Delighted squeals
Came when some eels
Found her sexual quarters.

The cook his name was Freeman,
He was a dirty demon,
He fed the crew
On menstrual stew
And hymens fried in semen.

The ship’s dog’s was called Rover,
We turned that poor thing over,
And ground and ground
that faithful hound
From Tenerife to Dover.

And when we reached our station,
Through skillful navigation,
The ship got sunk
in a wave of spunk,
From too much fornication.

On the good ship Venus,
By Christ you should have seen us;
The figurehead
Was a whore in bed
Sucking a dead man’s penis.

Honestly, it doesn’t get any better than that. A quick search through Google will net a host of alternate versions, alternate verses and probably a few folk plying theri trade in noughty verse at RenFaires around the globe.

So tip a flagon o’ grog and get yer pirate on!